Drink to me not only with thine eyes

After a few years doing the online dating thing, I've noticed something — I'm attracting the same kind of man, just in a different body and with a different name.

Since I've been through a few therapy sessions (hey, no more than anyone else!), I've been told over and over that I can't change anyone, only myself.

Obviously, the change is going to have to happen to me. As in, a new profile.

I'm not so sure most people are honest in their profiles. I mean, who hasn't agreed to meet a guy who looked kinda cute on Match and then thought he'd sent his bald, overweight father instead to the Starbucks you agreed to rendezvous at?

It's really easy to pretend online to be someone other than who and what you really are. Therapist-types call that "impression management," but we'll just call it lying, OK?

I have been honest, but clearly boring — here's what I like, here's what music I listen to, blah, blah, blah. So as I was sitting at my desk this week, perusing the profiles and quaffing my lovely glass of pinot noir, I got an epiphany — kinda like how Melanie Griffith (when she still was beautiful, not a plastic surgery freak) put that merger deal together in "Working Girl."

I've been learning a little about wine lately, a goal I set for myself ever since I met a writer for one of those wine rags a while back and embarrassed myself by asking how come they don't all get blotto when they're tasting dozens of wine at a sitting.

If you've into wine,you know that wine descriptions are so sensual, so evocative, I wondered why we humans aren't describing ourselves the same way? It's all about marketing, right?

So here are some actual descriptions of wine I've read, but, you know, they just might have been talking about any one of us, don't you think?:

"healthy dose of perceptible sweetness for those who like it that way ..."

"spry and lively and will hold for a good many years ..."

"well-balanced and absolutely delicious ..."

"so carefully put together that it invites early enjoyment ..."

"A great value, zesty and focused ...."

"has plenty of juicy charm ..."

"delicate, pleasant and food-friendly ..."

"brisk and friendly at the same time ..."

"very smooth texture, with a forceful ending ..."

"it comes with the clear promise of five or more years of improvement ..."

And, a personal favorite: "this one never lacks for personality from first sniff to bracing finish. It has a nice bit of fullness to its body and some evident richness on its side as well ..."

Bracing finish? Richness on its side? What guy is going to ignore a profile written like that?

So are you a "juicy charm" type or a "forceful ending"?