When honesty meets hottie

Honesty, trust, communication. Hallmarks of a healthy relationship, right?
But just how honest should you be with your lover?
Of course you have to be honest about the important stuff — especially if it puts the other person at risk, like sexual matters.
But should you tell your sweetie that you have the hots for his friends?

In the 15 years Rob and I were married, I can’t say we ever talked about that. Well, he knew I had a thing for George Clooney. He just never knew that I thought our mutual friend Evan was oh-so-doable, or that my girlfriend Rachel’s husband appeared in at least one of my sexual fantasies. Of course, I didn’t know which of my friends Rob lusted after, either.

But after Rob and I divorced and I started dating, I was thrust into a whole new world of honesty.
Sean, the single dad I see from time to time, and I had been dating each other for about two months when Lisa threw a big party.

It seemed the perfect time to introduce him to my friends.

It was a wonderful party, full of laughter and conversation and dancing, and everyone loved Sean.
The feeling was mutual, but in a warped way.

“So, what did you think of my girlfriends?” I purred to Sean later that night as we snuggled in my bed.
“Your friends are great and they’re so hot, but, oh my god, the lips on Sara ...”

And then for what seemed like the rest of the night, Sean went on and on and on about Sara, her lips, where he’d want to put them and other assorted activities he’d like to pursue with her.

I’d like to say all that steamy pillow talk was a turn-on, but it was beginning to feel a little weird.
I started off the night thinking, “Love me, love my girlfriends,” but it was ending up more like, “Love me, love my girlfriends, but love me more!”
But Sean wasn’t the first of my beaus to lust after my girlfriends.

I had been seeing Ryan, a kinda geeky 48-year-old Sausalito dot-commer who made me laugh, for about a month. Jennifer and I were hiking around the Headlands one Saturday afternoon and thought we’d stop by Paradise Bay to get a bite and a beer. Ryan happens to live close by.

“Hey,” Jennifer said. “Didn’t you say Ryan lives around here? Why don’t you call him and ask him to join us? I’d love to meet him. Maybe he has a cute friend.”

I wasn’t so sure that it was a good thing. Although I liked Ryan a lot, there were a few red flags. I just wasn’t sure how long we were going to last. But even more important that that, he was the first “relationship” I had since my divorce, and I was nervous. None of my friends knew me with any other man beside Rob. What if Jennifer or my other friends didn’t like him? It never even occurred to me that not only would he like all my girlfriends, but that he wanted to sleep with any one or all of them, preferably a few at a time, with or without me.

That wasn’t the reason I dumped him, but within a month, he was gone.

So when Sean shared his fantasy about Sara, I knew just what to do. I called Ali, my happily married friend who moved to Seattle just as my marriage busted open. Hundreds of miles away from the midlife dramas occurring here in Marin, she was the voice of reason.

“Oh my! How serious do you think he is?”
“Well, he’s been nothing but upfront and honest with me since we met. Is this the downside of honesty?”
“Do you think it’s better that he tells you his fantasy, or would you rather he keep it secret?”
“I guess I’d rather know. I mean, I think I’d pick up on the lust-vibe whenever Sara, he and I are together, and then I’d get all weirded out.”
“Exactly.”

I wondered if I was the only one this was happening to. So the next time my friends and I gathered for a gals’ night , I put it out there.

“If you lusted after one of your beau’s friends, would you tell him? If he lusted after one of us, would you want to know?”

It was a resounding no on both, with a cautionary tale. Lisa’s hubby had once teased her about what man she’d want to stray with if she could, so she told him about a certain bartender she thought was hunky. Not only did it ruin their date night, but he hauled her off to couples counseling.
So much for honesty.

And yet, it’s obvious people are lusting after others like crazy, just quietly. I read in one silly woman’s magazine that 63 percent of men said they’d consider having sex with another woman if their partner gave them permission. And with about half of married couples cheating on each other — and a certain percentage of men raising children they think they fathered but didn’t, according to Louann Brizendine’s “The Female Brain” — I’m wondering if anyone is honest about anything anymore.

It made me think of all the flak President Jimmy Carter got after he blurted out in Playboy that he had lust in his heart. At least he was honest, although I sure hope he and Rosalynn had a little chat before it hit the newsstands (“Wow, that Juanita Kreps sure is a hottie, wouldn’t you say, Ros?”) That had to have been a better talk than the one President Bill Clinton and Hillary had!

So in the interest of honesty, I decided to send Sean an e-mail.
“I believe people come into your life for a reason. Sometimes it’s for a lifetime, sometimes it’s for a brief time, sometimes they are conduits to connect you to someone else. Maybe we met so that I could introduce you to Sara. I suppose it’s time for you to indulge yourself in your fantasy, and maybe you will one day help me out with one of mine. Here’s her cell number.”

The phone call came within an hour.
I could barely make out what he was saying, though, because he was laughing so hard.
“Of all your e-mails to me, that one ... that was classic!”

“Hmm, I’m happy you find such joy and entertainment in my angst. But I’m serious, you know.”
“Really? You really expect that I’m going to call Sara up and say, what? ‘Hi Sara. This may seem a bit bizarre but Kat gave me your cell because she thinks you and I should hook up because I told her I think you’re so hot and we would have unbelievable sex.’ Something like that?”

I could feel his smirk over the phone. “You’re mocking me,” I said, a bit miffed.
“Kat, just because I have a fantasy doesn’t mean I’m going to act on it, you know. We’ve both talked about how much we value honesty. If you want communication, it has to be OK to talk about the uncomfortable stuff, too. Right?”

I had to agreed; He was right. I do want honesty and communication, not only with my lover but with my friends. Isn’t that what everyone wants? And if that meant I felt some pangs of jealousy, that would be open to discussion as well.

So, now I have honesty and a rather unexpected something else. Turns out evoking the image of Sara’s plump lips is one of the best aphrodisiacs I’ve got going with Sean!

— Is honesty the best policy, even if your your lover/spouse tells you who turns him on?
— Do you get upset or jealous if he looks at other women with lust?
— And, if get upset by that and tell him to stop, do you think that he still has those thoughts/fantasies, but then won;'t feel safe in sharing things with you? In other words, do you shut off honest communication?