What I learned from cheating

It doesn't make a difference if you're single or married. It's very likely that at one point in your life, you'll have to decide — once a cheater, always a cheater?

No one knows for sure the numbers of cheating spouses — some say as high as 60 percent to 70 percent — and no one even bothers to collect stats on how many people in so-called committed monogamous relationships are fooling around on the side.

It seems we can't get enough about the rich and famous who fall into temptation's way, even though it might make us a little nervous about our own love life ("If Hugh Grant can cheat on someone as pretty, smart and sexy as Elizabeth Hurley ...!)

I won't try to get into the "whys" of affairs. I'm just wondering if the "once, always" saying is true.

So I'll share my truth. A long time ago, I cheated on a man who loved me and whom I loved as well.

Here's what I learned — cheating is incredibly easy (this was, of course, way before the many electronic geegaws we now live with that make it easier to trace phone numbers, e-mails, text messages, etc., and thus get caught ... and also aid in the deception) But getting caught isn't the issue — just the ability to cheat is easy, and that surprised me. There are any number of ways to be tempted and to act on it.

And even though I knew it was wrong and I felt horrible about it, that didn't stop me — I was able to justify my actions (because we are absolute masters — mistresses? — of doing that).

I ended that relationship eventually, and he never knew of my deception. But I knew, and once I stripped away my justifications and rationalizations, I made the decision that I am not that person, that I don't ever want to be that person and that I would never cheat again. And I haven't. And I won't.

So when I hear a man tell me of past infidelities, do I trust that he will or won't do it again? I don't know. It's no easier or harder to trust than asking someone who hasn't ever cheated if he would. He may say no, he may say maybe, he may say, "I don't know," but there's no way to know for sure. Even following the advice in books like "Affair-Proof Your Marriage" aren't fool-proof (and may make you feel smugger than you should).

There is, however, this: How does he live his life? Is he an honest, ethical person, or does he live by the 'ends-justifies-the-means" belief system? Does he believe he's "entitled" or does he take responsibility for his actions and beliefs?

How you answer is not a guarantee. But you might see the man a little clearer (and perhaps yourself)..

Once a cheater, always a cheater? Maybe, maybe not. What do you think?