What to say "I do" to

It wasn’t until I became divorced that I learned how to be the perfect wife. Husbandless, true, but still the perfect wife.

And just like a reformed smoker — the most obnoxious advice-dispensers around with all those “You shoulds” and “You shouldn’ts (and I am a longtime reformed smoker, so I know) — I am full of advice for the married, about-to-be married, the about-to-be parents and the about-to-be divorced.

I know that it’s rude to dole out advice when it’s not asked for, but I can’t seem to stop myself. It’s like I’ve picked up a sixth sense on marital dysfunctions.

Like the time I was sitting at the bar at Poggio. I was waiting for a friend who was running late, so I started chatting up the cute young couple seated next to me. After several years of dating, they had recently tied the knot and were still in the glowy honeymoon phase.

We started talking about kids. I shared a few of my good-cocktail-banter horror stories about my son Trent, like the time he stuck a MicroMini Car up his nose and I spent Mother’s Day in the emergency room, and the time he tripped off the fire alarm in his elementary school because he wanted to know what happened when someone pulled that lever.

New hubby listened carefully, and then he said, “You know, I don’t think I really want kids.”
“Oh honey, of course you do,” new wife said confidently.
But as we continued to chat it was pretty evident to me that, no, he really didn’t. I heard that loud and clear, but she surely didn’t. I couldn’t help thinking — shouldn’t they have had this conversation a long time ago?

Or maybe they did, and she — like so many women — thought he’d eventually “come around.” Because having a baby is, you know, just another little decision like which color couch to buy or whether to honeymoon in Cabo or Kauai.

I think the joke goes: Men get married hoping she won’t change, and women get married hoping he will.

Sometimes when I’m at home, I hear the drama going on next door. The 3-year-old starts screaming, “No! No, mommy, NO!!!” which sets off the baby into a wail that sounds as if a pack of hyenas has moved in. I think of Cara, their pretty young mom, and I know just what’s going on in that house. It reminds me of Young Mom Kat and Trent, who was not an easy child, and how overwhelmed I often felt as I made the transition from career woman to housebound full-time mommy.

I remember how that played out when Rob, my then-hubby, came home from work. We were two tired young people, each with our own expectations of the night. In hindsight, I can see so clearly some of the mistakes we made in not keeping the couple part as alive and vibrant as the parent part.

Now, a few years out of divorce and with lots of self-help books, self-realization and therapy behind me, I’ve thought a lot about what keeps a marriage going. And I love to hear what others have to say.

So when I had dinner recently with a newlywed couple, the conversation naturally veered toward marriage.

The couple, however, were a well-known porn star and her new hubby, also in The Business. I couldn’t remember a single title of a movie she’d appeared in (can anyone ever remember those titles beyond “Debbie Does Dallas” and “Behind the Green Door”?), but I knew she was a champion of women’s rights and so we hit it off beautifully. But I didn’t really want to talk about insider gossip or size versus technique. What I really wanted to know — and not in a voyeuristic way — was, how do porn stars make marriage work? I mean, just think about it …

By the end of the evening, I had learned their secret: Let go of jealousy, make dates for sex and bring in a third partner every now and then. I’m not sure those are the right ingredients to keep everyone’s marriage intact, but I respect that it’s working for them.

And I’ve learned what would work for me, should I ever walk down the aisle again.
So, because I like to share, here are Kat Wilder’s Secrets to a Successful Marriage. Actually, it’s just one secret: Act like a single person, but a committed one.

Here’s what it looks like:

Remember what it was like when you were single and dating — or trying to date? You hit the gym, you made sure you looked good, you were active and interested and interesting. So what happens after people get into a long-term relationship? They often let themselves go. That’s why as soon as one spouse starts to lose weight and dress nicer, people think, “Uh-oh. Must be cheating.” Why wait until after the divorce? Start doing that. Now. So Rule No. 1 is: Take care of yourself, for yourself.

Here’s one of the best parts of dating, I think — planning something special because you know he loves it, and then making it happen. Dancing at Rancho? A hike and picnic atop Mount Tam to watch the sunset? Snuggling on the couch with a DVD? It’s so nice to think of ways to give someone you care about pleasure. And the anticipation can be pretty intoxicating, depending on what you’re planning. Well, you have to “date” your spouse, too. If your idea of being together is channel-surfing and sharing a bag of chips (even if they are stoneground, organic and blue) night after night, you’re in trouble. That’s OK every once and awhile, but why should the wooing end after you’re tied the knot? Rule No. 2: Date your spouse.

When I was married, I often felt guilty if I spent time apart from my family. I think I probably ended up being a worse wife and mom because of that. I see a lot of friends expecting their lover to be the emcee of all their fun. But no one person can be the one-stop shop for all her needs, nor should he be. He won’t see that chick flick? Go with your girlfriends. He’s got two feet and you like dancing? Take a dance class alone. He wants to spend Sunday watching football? Take your kid and go on a “date.” Rule No. 3 is: Give each other space.

Isn’t in weird how after you’re married awhile you stop talking about the most intimate things? Sex, money, parenting — the things that really need to be updated constantly. If you’ve ever told someone, “My wife doesn’t understand me,” please ask yourself when was the last time you actually told her something honest — spoken in a nonaccusatory, nonjudgmental, loving and caring way, of course — even (and especially) if it’s hard to say? Rule No. 4. Honesty really is the best policy.

Every few days, Trent makes the trek from our house to his dad’s. That means Rob has to cook, clean, plan, help with homework, take him to the doctor and dentist and generally take care of things he never had to do when we were married. Guess what? He’s a better dad than ever! Got an absentee hubby who doesn’t understand what you do all day, doesn’t lift a finger around the house and barely knows his kids? Put him in charge half of the time, and I mean really in charge — permanently. He’ll get it. Rule No. 5: Dads can do it all, too.

The funny thing about being single is that you are often thinking about sex — how long since you’ve had it, and how long it will be until you can get it again. Married people (and gals, you know that’s usually you) use any number of excuses to get out of it. I don’t care how tired, angry, resentful, disappointed, stressed out or generally pissed off you are. Get over it and get on it. With all that oxytocin and testosterone surging, there’s nothing that quite connects a couple like a good romp. Get back into discovering his taste, smell and touch, and start loving the person you promised to cherish forever. Rule No. 6. Have sex — lots of it.

That’s it. I could probably throw in a few more, but you can see what I’m getting at. Now I’m not guaranteeing that these will work, but they’re a really good start.

Worse comes to worse, you can always bring in a third partner …