Are we searching for Frankenstein?

A few years ago, I remember walking into my cousin's house only to be confronted with a grand medieval Playmobil battle complete with elaborate castles, princesses in distress and knights in shining armor. In the midst of it all were her 9-year-old son and her husband, Dan, sprawled on the floor, happily playing together.

"That's quite a project they've got going in there," I said to her.

"They've been at it for hours," she sighed.

At that moment, I felt something I'd never felt before in all my years of marriage.

Husband envy. Or perhaps father envy, as I wasn't really interested in being married to Dan, as nice as he is. It's just that he is exactly the kind of father I imagined I wanted for my kid, one who would be engaged and really present in Trent's life. A get-down-on-your-knees-and-play kinda dad.

I can't say Rob was ever like that, and that always made me kind of sad and sometimes disappointed in him, which I know wasn't fair.

So when my cousin called me recently to tell me that she was unhappy in her marriage and thinking of leaving Dan after 17 years, I couldn't believe it. I genuinely like Dan. He's what you'd call a good guy — stable, kind, sucessful, gentle, if a bit dull.

"But why? He's such a loving and devoted dad."

"He just doesn't have any fire in him. I'm bored and I want more."

That's funny, I thought. Rob sure had fire — and humor and looks and charm and sex appeal. But he lacked other things, some pretty essential things, too, to be committed for the long haul. And then there was the "fathering issue."

When marriages split, what's created is a gigantic human garage sale — one person's cast-off is another person's treasure. Rob's "fathering issue" isn't a problem at all for his girlfriend just like Dan's lack of fire won't matter too much to whomever he ends up hooking up with because he's a "good guy" and a devoted father. What woman wouldn't want that? Well, my cousin, I guess.

In a way, it makes me feel like in our search for love, we are wanting to create our own perfect man a la Victor Frankenstein, or we're building a fantastic meal at a buffet table, a little of this, a little of that — Dan's fathering, Rob's charm and humor, Johnny Depp's looks (sorry, a gal can dream ...) and so on.

Which, I guess, gets down to this — are we looking for perfection in a mate, or are we looking for someone who fits perfectly the qualities that're important to us?

There's a big difference there. Thoughts?